30 things I personally learn from 30 years of living

OK, so here you go. 

After 2 months of turning 30, I decided to write something based on what I've learnt in previous years of my life. So much hatred, anger, tears, laughters, excitement, leaning, and love, have brought me to where I am right now - which I gratefully happy about it.

1. Always choose to be a good person - even you have every option to do the opposite.
2. You need a credit card - to fulfill yourself on something you think you can't afford.
3. Gojek is (by far) the best thing that's ever invented - can't imagine how life would be without it.
4. Micellar water is the second best invention - taking from someone who always pray and wish and pray and wish that there will be a face cleaning robot someday.
5. Grow your empath, it's the only way to balance your ego.
6. Brows matters.
7. It is more than OK to have a birthday without a partner.
8. Invest in someone who loves you a little bit more than you love them - just a little bit. Because we all want to feel special.
9. Don't fall in love with the potential of a person, it will crushed you so bad in the end.
10. But do not afraid if one or two relationship fail because you fell for the expectation/potential, doesn't mean you won't meet the right person in the end.
11. There will be someone who you'd call home - comforting and accepting. Who want to know everything about your day, even you life. Just because they want to be part of it, even if it's just a bit.
12. You will meet someone that you can't get enough of. It's like you always craving for this person, every inch and detail of them.
13. Karma does exist. Whether it's a good or bad karma.
14. Make time to workout. You'll be very happy to see your abs starting to pop up,
15. Sunblock is double very super important. Trust me, sun burn is not comfortable, at all.
16. The tape on top of oil paper box is actually useful.
17. Make time for your parents and family. They're getting old.
18. Also, make time for 101 session with God. He'll always listen.
19. Love doesn't have to always be the center of your life. You don't have to worry about when and who, it'll come.
20. Appreciate quiet time. The older you get, the less amount of energy you have to face human being.
21. Do not afraid to walk away. Bad situation, bad job, bad relationship. Everything that make you feel less appreciated.
22. It is OK not to be OK. Seek for help if needed.
23. Travel. As much as you can, as far as you can. It will teach you how to live life rightfully.
24. Locals are the best teacher when you travel.
25. Something that you initially hate, can turn to something you like the most.
26. Appreciating someone else's time is a way to show them your respect.
27. No matter how attractive a person physically, their brain is the most sexiest part of their body.
28. Don't put a timeline for something you can't control. Sadness, healing process, personal growth - every person will have their define time to complete it.
29. If you have the money, spend. Full service airline for long haul flight, business class seat, executive train, comfortable hotel room, exclusive villa, fancy meal, good meal, or newest useless gadget. You have earned it, you deserve it.
30. Not everyone deserves your kindness. Some people is just a permanent asshole.

PS: happy new year, Hooman! More love and enjoyment to come! x

The Naughty Nasty Side of Social Media.

It's been too long I haven't write about something without twirling the meaning of it. Well, this time is because I'm tired of things that happen in unreal world affect the act of people in real world.

I'm talking about what 32% of Indonesia population are consuming. Social media.

I'm not going to give any lecturer on what is social media, which one is the strongest, and how to use it like I normally do on daily basis.
I just want to share my thought on how it's really affecting the mental health of it's user.

Let's start with how weird it is when we found out that our parents started creating their profile on one of the social media platform. Our initial thought must be: damn, what are they doing? Now they can see all my activities (sometimes nudities). Ya, aside from we feel that our 'personal' space is disturbed by their presence there, we never really thought on what social media can affect them and twisting the way they think.

We never thought on how a parent that's on social media and consume all content in it can influence a 12 year old kid to bitching and swearing about Jakarta's previous governor just because he's not part of the majority. Do you think the kid can have that kind of mindset themselves?

We never thought on how one post can make thousands of people gathered at the center of Jakarta, starting with praying together (which now I'm not really sure what was that all about), and ended up with some sort of anarchy. And not to mention, questioning on the capability of the president. See why I'm not sure about what was that all about?

We never thought that a platform that supposed to connect people with people, connect people with the news from all over the world, can bring so much hatred and chaotic.

Fans attacking the enemy of their favorite celebrity with an awful hurtful comment. Friends made memes about the other friends and share it is social media for fun - to what they don't know, the person that they made fun about are crying behind the closet feeling embarrassed.

I, personally, never thought that I'm, sometimes, scared of reading or even opening social media these days, just because I'm scared that whatever I will see will make me vulnerable. Live suicide, attacking people's believe, even attacking our own friend because they not share the same value or believe with us.

Now, we're going to get a little more personal.

I once dated a guy who can't let his phone down even when we had a date or when we cuddled. And that's very disturbing. I sometimes feel the unreal world is more important than me, a real person that sit in front of him or sleep beside him. I understand that it might not be his intention to made me feel so, but still. He made the impression that what was happening out there that captured in his phone are more interesting than my existence.
The next thing I know is we were arguing about that and things never going to be the same because I already griped that on my mind.

Or how when we broke up, for the first few months I'm scared on opening my social media page, because I'm afraid that I will see something that will makes me hurt. It's developed insecurity and anxiety on my mind. That somehow leads to trouble sleeping. And with trouble sleeping, it was affecting my physique health and my work performance.

The unhealthy result that begins from unhealthy mind.

Whatever the reason are, I don't know if it's just me, but somehow I think social media has damaging our mental health. Hatred, hurtful words, insecurity and anxiety, and a lot of other mental illness that's not healthy for the balance of one's sanity.

I wonder if we can go back to internet era around 2007 (I know we can't), where all social media activities are just sharing photos and updating status. Not spreading hatred, masking personality, and try to impress other people/group.
Where discussion, laughter, shouts, and love are based on real world. On what's served on the table.

I know that this is just the bad side of social media, but it's started to worry me. Now, starting with myself, I will clean up my social media and cut off people/account that will cause risk on my mental health. Share things that (hopefully) can put a smile on others who see it. It's just a start - I know I can't change the world, but at least people around me would't have additional hypocrite on their digital life.

And hopefully I can start to heal my disappointment on social media these days. Which I hope that you can too.

Untaian Doa di Hari Ini: Untuk Kamu

Dear kamu,
Dimanapun kamu, saya berharap kamu akan menemukan dirimu sendiri sebelum kamu berlari kearah saya dan menemukan saya.

Dear kamu,
Apapun yang sedang kamu alami, saya berharap semesta memberikan seluruh kekuatannya untukmu agar mampu melewati kejadian yang tidak sesuai dengan keinginan. Setidaknya, hingga waktu dimana saya bisa menggenggam tanganmu dan memberikan sebagian kekuatan saya untuk menemanimu.

Dear kamu,
Apapun yang kamu lakukan saat ini, saya harap kamu mengerjakannya dengan sepenuh hati. Saya harap kamu melakukannya untuk tujuan akhir yang baik. Saya berharap kamu memberikan sentuhan cinta untuk setiap karyamu.

Dear kamu,
Apapun yang pernah kamu alami sebelumnya, saya harap kamu masih punya ruang yang banyak di hati kamu untuk memberikan dan menerima cinta. Saya harap ada bagian yang belum terluka banyak sehingga tidak menyebabkan kelabu.
Saya harap kamu masih menyisakan sedikit ruang untuk kehangatan masuk dan menyelimuti semua hatimu, termasuk untuk si kelabu.

Dear kamu,
Saya harap kita bisa saling menginspirasi untuk menjadi lebih baik sebagai manusia. Saya harap kita bisa saling meringankan beban dari pundak masing-masing. Saya harap kita bisa jadi penopang untuk masing-masing. Dan saya harap, kita bisa menjadi rumah untuk kembali untuk satu sama lain.
Saya harap, kita bisa saling bergandengan untuk melangkah bersama. Membahagiakan satu sama lain. Membanggakan satu sama lain. Menjaga satu sama lain.

Dear kamu,
Kali ini kamu harus percaya, bahwa kamu adalah saya.

Siksa Rasa.

Ketika indah dikalahkan oleh terjajar, semua estetika menjadi samar.

Kadang dunia memberikan lelucon yang paling sempurna.

Rasa yang menyelimuti seluruh tubuh manusia, dipaksa untuk dihilangkan dan dikeluarkan.
Rasa yang dimiliki dan menyelimuti seakan disiksa untuk tidak menghampiri lagi. Seolah-olah, dunia memang begitu cara kerjanya. Membuat manusia bekerja lebih keras dari biasanya.
Semua asap, air, cairan, dan rangkaian kata seolah dipaksa menjadi detox untuk rasa yang berkuasa.

Keberuntungan semakin dipertanyakan. Ketika semua manusia bercengkrama dengan keinginan yang terkabul, ada beberapa jiwa yang berada di sudut rasa percaya.

Ketika semua terjadi, kepercayaanpun dipertanyakan. Kenapa siksa rasa harus kembali menghampiri? Apa kesedihan sebelumnya tidak cukup membayar semua hutang dosa?

Sakit yang ditimbulkan oleh siksa rasa seakan tidak berujung ke halaman terang. Hanya mengeluarkan butiran air dan percakapan dalam doa yang bisa dilakukan.

Saya percaya, siksa rasa tidak akan bertahan selamanya. Tapi, siksa rasa pasti akan kembali, menengok pemilik hati, dari segala sisi.

The Remaining Question

There's still a lot of whys. A lot of answer that I haven't got.

Me, as a human being, believe in the quality of heart. I believe in karma. I believe, that the energy that you put out there will be bring back to you by the universe.

All of us are seeking for something, searching for an answer, searching for a way. And I believe, with all of my heart, that human will not always have the answer.
Like one person told me: curiosity is everything.

Maybe I still not know all the answers, but what I know now that I need to move one step at a time to bring myself closer to the answer.
And for you who are in the same position like I am, I believe you will. And I believe you can. And I am willing to help and hold your hands. We'll get through this together.

The moment when you're questioning everything

Here comes that time. Again.

When something did not go as you expected, you'll start questioning a lot of things.

With a lot, I mean, a lot. 

You will start questioning your capability as a human being, as a friend, as a partner, as a child of your parents. And the list will go on and on..

Are you good enough?

What is wrong with you

Maybe It won't get into this phase if you try harder

Maybe you should try to understand better

Maybe you're wrong thinking about it this way

And there will be more maybes and ifs

You might start pitty-ing yourself because it can't works the way it should be. Maybe it all happened because of you.

But the thing is. The wheel will keep turning. And if you think further, it's never going to be enough.

There will always be people who will hurt you, pissed you off, yell at you, make you feel unwanted, make you feel unloved. And you can't control that.

So for you who are in the middle of breakdown, here's a chant: you are enough.

We all know that you've tried. We know that you've given your best. And for that, no one should ever taken you for granted.

That feeling

When you hug someone and smell them, deeply, after not seeing that person in a while. 

You just so happy that you can smell that familiar scent again. You will find your muscle relaxing all off sudden. You will feel home again.

When you got a phone call from your bestfriend. And hearing them say that they still have the same faith in you. Like they always have.

You can't be more secure knowing you always have someone who unexpectedly knows you that well.

When you see the face of your special person when they're sleeping beside you.  That butterflies in your stomach kind of feeling. Then you'll secretly smile looking at that view.

And.. When someone can make your heart works again. For any reason.

Dua jiwa.

Terlalu banyak kata yang mereka ucapkan. Terlalu banyak pertanyaan yang bisa terjawab oleh mereka tanpa bantuan rangkaian tulisan cetak. Terlalu banyak rangkaian data yang terkirim untuk berbagi. Terlalu banyak rasa yang ingin mereka sampaikan - dan mungkin telah mencoba disampaikan.

Mereka tidak mengharapkan apa-apa. Hanya menikmati suasana dimana asap menghantarkan dan menghisap segala emosi di dalam hati dan pikiran.

Waktupun kali ini tidak memaksa. Hanya bermain diantara dua jiwa dan menikmati segala pemandangannya.

Yang mereka inginkan hanya suatu tempat untuk kembali. Kembali melapangkan dada dan mencari jawaban atas semua pertanyaan yang bisa muncul kapan saja.

Yang mereka inginkan hanya teman bertukar kata. Agar setiap rangkaian bisa menjadi berarti untuk diri mereka sendiri. 

Yang mereka inginkan hanya bayangan pijakan untuk menenangkan hati. Karena rasa aman selalu menjadi permasalahan mereka.

Dua jiwa tidak akan membiarkan waktu mempermainkan mereka. Hanya memberikan kuasa untuk menikmati segalanya. Lebih lama.

A Life in a life.

I remember that I have feel lost for quite a long time. I have no idea what's the cure at that time.

And then comes the day that I have to go to India (because I have bought the ticket - of course).

Yes, I left all work in Jakarta and didn't bring my laptop along with me.

  

I only expect some break from my daily routine at first. Haven't take a break since my last trip to Europe last year. And never thought it would turns out as the most exciting trip I ever had so far! 

I always know that I love to meet new people. And in case of travel, I love love love love to have a conversation with locals. Somehow, it's just make me realize that there's a life in life.

To know more about them - even just at glance, sometimes can lift yourself up in a way. To see their eyes sparks whenever tell stories about their passion, or their job, how much money they earn in a day, their favorite place, their usual food, or even their sad story. You can feel their emotion in your heart.

And that's when you know that there's something else happening aside from your own life. And those things can make my feet keep touching the ground.

So here’s some highlight of the trip.

1.     KARIM’S

Above all delicious food we've tasted in India, I MUST SAY THIS IS THE BEST ONE! Their Mutton Burra and Butter Naan are too good - I almost cried when eat it. So good. (We actually came back on my last day in Delhi and ordered the same menu :p).

2.     Varanasi

Erm.. I got to say sorry. I underestimate this place at first. The reason why I agreed to go here, except because of Dondi arrange all the itinerary, is because he showed me a picture of sunrise view that we could get in the Ganges. And it looks soo beautiful. And I'm weak. And easy. So yea, I said ok.

I love Bali and Jogja because of their culture and heritage is so strong and thick. And I can feel the same energy in Varanasi.

I can smell a strong cultural atmosphere around me. And I liked it. Very much.

When we left Varanasi, it's actually the day of Maha Shivaratri festival. The celebration is started in the evening, but they came to the Ganges from early morning to took a bath and do some rituals. It was very crowded. But I can see so much things happening. A beautiful chaos in my eyes :)

The down side is, our sunrise tour failed. It was a very hazy morning. We took a boat ride to go around all ghats, but we couldn't see much either.

Highlight of the highlight:

Blue Lassi. You know, as much as I adore ancient alleys in Varanasi, it can be very frustrating to find a hidden small shop there. Me and Dondi are very weak for food. Especially if the place has been reviewed somewhere. So there we were, cutting through horde. To tasted orange and mix fruit lassi. But despite the extra effort and the sunburn and the sweats and got teased by local guy to find the place, it was so worth it.

And.. People threw rices at us. At the night before Maha Shivaratri festival. And we don't know why. Until now. So yea.

3.     The night train from Varanasi to Agra

We accidentally met a very interesting couple before got on the train, Ausi and Mei (hope I spell their name correctly). The four of us talked a lot. Ausi and Mei has spent one month in India, started from the south of India and will ended the journey in Delhi. Ausie is quitting his job and had traveled around Asia for 3 years. And as we can expect, the journey is actually became soooo muuuuch fuuuun!

And we knew that we would not have anytime to rest in Agra - as we're not staying the night over there, that's why we took the sleeper class so we can have some rest.

We finished Agra less than 10 hours. And please note, without shower and sleep.

And the train to Jaipur got delayed for 5 freakin hours. And Dondi got food poisoning. And he became very cranky. And we have to stayed in the station for more than 8 hours. And again, without shower and sleep.

So yeah, that's pretty much it. Complete photos and video are here: Incredible India.

When I left Jakarta for this trip, I feel like I'm losing sight of everything. But when I got back, thank God, everything starts to fall into places.
I can not wait for my next trip. To find another 'a life in life' moments. 

And I definitely will go back, India!

Acceptance.

I once realized that this is a strong word.

But sometimes, when trouble came, this word means nothing. The concept is very hard to be adsorbed by your brain. And heart.

You don't know what to do, you don't know what to say, you feel that nothing is going right in your life. Not a single thing. You just.. Lost.

Then you will start to think about all bad scenarios in your head. The insecurity and fearness controls your brain. And eat it up.

That's what happened to me over the past few months.

One person once told me 'I'm not a religious person, but I believe everything happens for a GOOD reason'

Another person told me 'you think that God will give you problem one at a time? So you can breath after the first one is done then He will give you another one? No, it doesn't work that way. It will come in a batallion. All in one particular time'

But one of my mentor told me something that I might forget to do when all of these are happening 'don't forget to breath :)'

That's when I started to think differently. That's when I started to adsorb what acceptance really means (again). Then I started to let go the anger and hatred that I have.

And to be honest, it feels really really good. It's like you release a heavy weight off from your shoulder.

It will not getting better instantly. I know. But at least now I can understand all the 'whys' and not re-questioning what have happened. And most importantly, I can accept the fact that everything will not always going like the way I wanted it and I can accept the fact that everything happens for a reason. I just hope that this time around, it will be a good reason.

And now I'm so happy to feel that Acceptance is a strong word. Again :)

Thanksgiving

I never celebrate thanksgiving before. And I don't think I will. But I'll use the moment to actually say thanks. Thank you. I'm so thankful.

For the pray and question that has been answered

For my family

For the patience that Hanny and Galuh gave me :)

For the laugh that I still have

For the work that keeps my brain exercised 

For the warmest genuine love that I received from my colleague

For the most sweet hearted boss

For the presence of all of my best friend

For the dream that I still hold on to

For the strength that I still have

For the upcoming little friend named Zordon

For the opportunity that still came. Again an again

For You who never leaves me 

For You who always there and hear all my swompy story

For You who never judge me

For You who will always be my turning back point

I have losing myself in the past year. And I really really really want to have it back.

Thank you. And I hope I will never forget how lucky and grateful I am as a human being.

Happy holiday season everyone. Hope you all feel as blessed as I am!

It's OK.

I'm ok with the sleepless night.

I'm ok with the less nutrition I got.

I'm ok with people making fun on what just happen.

I'm ok with me have to be away for a while.

I'm ok with the horrible feeling that appears right now.

I'm ok with the anger that's controlling me for the time being.

I'm ok with the hatred that's filling my heart and mind.

Because I know, eventually, everything is going to be alright. And I know it's getting better and better as the time goes by. I can feel it.

I know, you will coming back. But.. I don't have anything left to be given.

So trust me, it's ok. And I, in fact, am really ok.

Good morning, 27.

I feel old. At first.

But hey, too much things awaits ahead of me. And realize that I still got tons of energy to do all of that, makes me think twice about the age.
And all the things that happened for the past year made me feel more mature than I should be. Feel even blessed than ever :)

So I wish some easiness for me on the next year. And tons of fun. And tons of love. And tons of excitement.

Lastly, yes, I feel special.

The spacey space that you need

I used to never understand whenever people says: I need sometime alone.

I always thought, why do people need to be alone? For me, if I can, I want to be surrounded by people that I love everytime. Every single time. Whether it's a good time or bad time.

Then something happened, and to be honest, all I want to do is to be alone. Not talking to anyone and not seeing anyone. I just want to be in a place that no one knows me. I want to be strangers. So I don't have to answer any question that's come. I don't have an obligation to served them with words. I just needed my space.

Yes, I need my space right now. A super spacey space. I need to not hear anything or say anything. I just want to think and cry as much as I want. Scream as loud as I want. I need to be away. From everything. For sometime.

The funny thing is, I start to understand myself completely. What I have to do to heal myself. And right now, aside from the spacey space, I just want to run as far as possible.

Lesson learned

Fall in love with someone who can make you proud to be beside him.
A smart, gentle and heart-full man. Who can take all the weight in the world. He doesn't have to be good looking and rich. But fall in love with someone that keep doing things that anyone you know in the world wouldn't. Fall in love with that person because you are so proud of him eventhough you can't say it by words.
And be proud of yourself. Because you are there to support them in their toughest moment. And you are there to cherish the success they got, together. And.. you survived.

Fall in love with someone who can make you a better person.
It doesn't have to be, oh because I met him , now I can save 60% of my earnings! - well, that's a good one also.
But sometimes, it is as simple as, you keep touching your feet on the ground because of things you've experienced with them. You realize that you should do more good things to other people. They make you realize that you should release all the hatred you have inside for other people, even for the world.
You can now see the world from the other side. From other's people eyes. And that makes you more humble. As a human being and a part of the world.

Fall in love with someone who can make you feel good about yourself.
With telling you that you're so beautiful when you wake up in the morning. Or tells you that you're beautiful even when you wear no make up. Or tells you that you have a sexy hips to be looked at when you wear nothing. Tells you that you're an amazing partner because they feel so happy just being with you and by the thing you've done for them.
Fall in love with someone that can makes you realize that you're better than you think. Mentally and physically.

Fall in love with someone who can make you tougher.
When you start to realize that you don't have to fully relay to other people when it comes to your life, you know that you've found the right person. A relationship should not make people weaker because they know there's someone over there to take care of them when they're in their lowest point.
A relationship should make you feel that you are strong enough to not throw shits to other people. But in the other side you know that person will be there to catch you when you fall. And of course, make things better.

Fall in love with someone that can make you realize that we are all human.
And human being should be treated equally. Doesn't matter whether it's woman or men. We have the same rights and (sorry ladies), obligation. All says that woman should be treated like a queen. Don't take this personally, but those things will make a woman less independent. And it shouldn't be the case.
All says that man should be the tougher one. Because he need to take care of every people around him. They said it's human nature. Yes, it is. But we also need to understand that he's a human being too. He needs to be loved and (sometimes) spoiled.

I think that we all need to meet someone once in your lifetime that can teach you all the above. To make you a better person and partner. Even if they teach you in a very painful way.

Thank you.

You might already sleep right now. But I just want to say (ok, not directly), thank you.

For being here, being my bestfriend, my partner, my bossy friend, my moody grandpa, my lazy twin, my spoiled baby boy and my home. And most importantly, thank you for making my heart alive and works like how it should be - not like the way I wanted it.

We had so much fun for the past 7 months and I hope, we will always have more.

Sniff sniff! Good night!

So.. This is how it feels.

For the first time in my life, I can suppress my ego for something that I'm not even sure where it will lead to.
And for the first time in my life, I'm not afraid to dream about what the future will be for us.

After sometime feeling like my heart is numb for anything - except for work, after horrible things that happened, after horrible feelings that appear in the middle of it, and after the ups and downs in life for quite sometime, I've finally found home.

Knowing that I (really) want to grow together with someone, be better for people around me, learn  new things, and explore the world more, are enough reason for me to say that I fall in love with the right person.

So.. Yeah. Turns out, this is how it feels. To be in love again.

And it feels so good.

Humanizing Human

Post pertama di tahun 2014

Gue gabisa mengelak kalo di 2013 gue mengulangi kesalahan yang tidak seharusnya gue lakukan (lagi). Karena gue sudah tau akibatnya, konsekuensinya. Ketika semua itu berbalik menyerang gue, rasanya sakit sekali sampai semua indera perasa yang gue miliki seakan tidak berfungsi lagi.
Tetapi di minggu-minggu selanjutnya gue menyadari sesuatu, gue masih hidup!
Gue masih kena marah sama client, gue masih lembur, gue masih datang setiap hari ke kantor untuk meladeni itu semua; dan ternyata ini yang tidak pernah berubah: kantor dan pekerjaan adalah tempat untuk lari yang paling menyenangkan.
Hal menarik terlintas di otak gue. Kesalahan sama yang gue perbuat untuk kedua kalinya ini yang ternyata menjadi titik balik gue.
Dan ya, setelah dua tahun mengalami naik turun dalam masalah hati, gue akhirnya sadar apa artinya ikhlas.
Sedetik setelah gue menyadari itu, hidup rasanya menjadi lebih ringan. Tertawa rasanya menjadi lebih mudah, gue mulai bisa merasakan kembali semua organ tubuh gue bekerja dengan baik. Termasuk hati.

Di tahun 2013 gue mendapatkan pelajaran yang sebenarnya masih sama dengan apa yang gue dapatkan di tahun sebelumnya: acceptance. Biarpun dengan cara yang berbeda.

2013 gue juga masih dipenuhi dengan rentetan traveling. Dan yang paling membuat gue bersyukur dari semua lokasi yang gue datangi di tahun 2013 adalah, semua itu berhasil membuat gue tetap memijakan kaki di bumi :)

Drama juga ga lepas dari 2013 gue. Dengan semua drama yang terjadi, sometimes, I feel like I'm this close to give up.
Tetapi ada aja cara dan kejadian yang ditunjukan ke gue untuk tetap bertahan dan berkarya. Untuk menjadi orang dan team member yang lebih baik. Untuk mengerti manusia lebih baik. Untuk menjadi manusia yang lebih baik.

Gue ngga pernah suka sama yang namanya membuat resolusi di tahun baru. Karena gue tau akan sangat susah buat gue untuk menepati semua itu. Jadi yang gue lakukan adalah sesimpel membuat wish list. Ya, yang modalnya cuma doa :p
Ada beberapa point yang gue buat untuk tahun 2013 kemarin - yang penting dan yang ngga penting. Dan yang mengejutkan adalah, semua point penting yang gue harapkan bisa diberikan sama Tuhan benar-benar terkabul!

Gue ngga pernah tau - biarpun selalu meminta, kapan hati gue akan merasa hangat lagi. Dan terkadang, sesuatu yang kita harapkan untuk terjadi, bisa saja terjadi di saat yang tidak diduga-duga, di tempat yang tidak pernah sama sekali kita duga, dan dengan orang yang sama sekali diluar dugaan kita.
Ketika gue bisa melihat seseorang tersenyum, berbicara, menyanyi dan menari tiada henti karena gue, itu adalah pemandangan yang paling indah untuk dinikmati.
Ketika gue bisa membuat seorang manusia bisa lebih menjadi manusia, kupu-kupu yang ada di dalam perut gue mulai berterbangan lagi setelah mereka tertidur cukup lama.
Ketika seseorang mengeluarkan usaha ekstra untuk membuat hati gue tersenyum, rasanya ratusan ciuman dan pelukan untuk mengucapkan terimakasih juga ngga akan cukup. Gue hanya ingin  melakukannya lagi, lagi dan lagi sekedar untuk menunjukan betapa berterimakasihnya gue saat itu.

Di 2013 kemarin, banyak sekali rasa yang bisa gue rasakan kembali. Yang baik maupun yang buruk. Dan seperti sebelum-sebelumnya, gue merasa diberkati karena bisa merasakan semua itu lagi.

Hati gue sangat hangat di awal tahun 2014 ini. Karena gue bisa lebih memanusiakan manusia :)

PS: This year must be more exciting than ever. Good luck!

When the right key finally arrived

I thought my door would never be open again for any reason. And I'm almost ready for it.
But something strange happen. Something warm and comforting come sneak into my door.
I'm not ready for it, I'm not planning for it. Then my heart starts making a boundary so that thing won't touch me too far.
Once again, it works. But.. The warm and comforting feeling already filled up my heart in someway.
It's nice. I feel better than ever. Then I become indecisive.

Because.. I'm afraid if I start, I will never stop. And he feels the same way.

Even a donkey doesn't fall into the same hole twice.

Have you ever fall into the same hole twice? How does it feels?

As far as I remember, I was so happy at that time. I won! My ego's won!
I'm not even listen to my bestfriend when he warns me not to go too far with this one. What I care about at that time was just how good it feels to have some kind of victory.
Instantly, I forgot how hard it is to get into this stability level. I forgot how many nights I cried over my heart because it feels so hurt. I forgot how people around me gave their hands to help me through this.
I'm just thinking about how good it is to win something that you want so bad for a long time.

And after a while, I realized that I made a huge mistake.

I'm so angry at myself because I need to go over exactly the same shit, for the second time.
I need to work on my heart like I did 1,5 years ago.
And now I start to think, how in the world can I do that last year? Pretty amazed with how I can pull all the strength I have inside to make my life stable again.

I'm so angry at myself because I let someone came and messing up with my not-fully-recovered heart. Again.
It feels like someone squeeze a lemon water to my wound. And I let them.

I'm so angry at myself because I won my ego over my heart.
Because just one second after you do that, your ego wouldn't be so important anymore. Trust me, your heart will take over the stir and you won't use your right sense ever since.

I'm really pissed off.
Last year, I have promised myself that I won't go over these things ever again. It's too hurt.

But now, I feel like a jerk to myself.
I'm the one who let it happen, I'm the one who hurt myself, I'm the one who broke the promise I made 1,5 years ago.
I'm the one who's responsible for this mess.

I might be too hard on myself. And I might be tired of being strong. But even heros have the right to bleed, right?

But it's just.. Maybe it's not only about the ego.. It might be something else that I'm too proud to say..

And that's the thing that I'm most pissed off right now.