Even a donkey doesn't fall into the same hole twice.

Have you ever fall into the same hole twice? How does it feels?

As far as I remember, I was so happy at that time. I won! My ego's won!
I'm not even listen to my bestfriend when he warns me not to go too far with this one. What I care about at that time was just how good it feels to have some kind of victory.
Instantly, I forgot how hard it is to get into this stability level. I forgot how many nights I cried over my heart because it feels so hurt. I forgot how people around me gave their hands to help me through this.
I'm just thinking about how good it is to win something that you want so bad for a long time.

And after a while, I realized that I made a huge mistake.

I'm so angry at myself because I need to go over exactly the same shit, for the second time.
I need to work on my heart like I did 1,5 years ago.
And now I start to think, how in the world can I do that last year? Pretty amazed with how I can pull all the strength I have inside to make my life stable again.

I'm so angry at myself because I let someone came and messing up with my not-fully-recovered heart. Again.
It feels like someone squeeze a lemon water to my wound. And I let them.

I'm so angry at myself because I won my ego over my heart.
Because just one second after you do that, your ego wouldn't be so important anymore. Trust me, your heart will take over the stir and you won't use your right sense ever since.

I'm really pissed off.
Last year, I have promised myself that I won't go over these things ever again. It's too hurt.

But now, I feel like a jerk to myself.
I'm the one who let it happen, I'm the one who hurt myself, I'm the one who broke the promise I made 1,5 years ago.
I'm the one who's responsible for this mess.

I might be too hard on myself. And I might be tired of being strong. But even heros have the right to bleed, right?

But it's just.. Maybe it's not only about the ego.. It might be something else that I'm too proud to say..

And that's the thing that I'm most pissed off right now.